What To Do Before You Quit
As a New Year’s Resolution Coach, it is unsurprising that I hear about quitting quite a bit. The reason that resolutions have the reputation that they do, after all, is because it is more conventionally accepted to quit (or forget, neglect, or move on) rather than reach them!
Obviously, I am all about reversing that convention and helping my clients to reach their goals and keep their resolutions - no quitting allowed. Except, that’s not quite true. There are some things that we can and should quit (I’m looking at you 9th-grade soccer). But there are a few steps we need to go through before doing so.
When coaching a client, friend, or even myself, I urge them to consider these five things before giving up on any goal or deciding that a resolution is no longer worth pursuing…
The first is to remind ourselves that a lapse of motivation does not mean we should quit. We likely set our goals on the high of a January 1st fresh start and feel particularly motivated to get started - to work out six or seven times a week, to eat six or seven servings of vegetables every day, to read the six or seven books a month, to get at least six to seven hours of sleep, or anything else we may want to pursue. Often, the goals that we set are quite ambitious, which is fantastic. We want to be ambitious and go after things that are hard or difficult - things that will make us grow and develop and evolve into the next version of ourselves. But before we give up on any goal or resolution, whether big or small, we must remind ourselves that a lapse of motivation does not mean we should quit.
It is inevitable that at some point along the way, whether it's January 2nd, or February 2nd, or June 2nd, or some other point along the way, our motivation is going to wane. Our goals will no longer seem quite as exciting, the fresh start will be long gone, and we will face obstacles. But that doesn't mean that we should give up.
When we are feeling motivated, we should capitalize on it. But we must also be ready to substitute other emotions when motivation starts to weaken or diminish or go away completely - emotions like commitment, willingness, excitement, or whatever else resonates for us. Just because we aren't feeling motivated now, doesn't mean we won't later. Motivation can certainly come and go, but either way, the level of motivation we may feel in a given moment does not equate to the worthiness or desirability of our goal. And it does not mean that we should quit or give up or focus on something else entirely.
Second, assess your emotions. We also must look beyond motivation to whatever else we may be feeling. This is to ensure that we aren't acting out of anger, frustration, irritation, sadness, or any other emotion we probably don't want to dictate our actions. Often, these intense emotions play a significant role in determining what we do or don't do. And while that is understandable, it becomes a problem if we base our major decisions on those more visceral emotions.
These emotions, most of the time, aren't in line with the things that we ultimately want. We must take time to assess what emotions are driving our desire to quit. If it's sadness, frustration, defensiveness, or another less desirable emotion, we must take that into account - especially when it comes to choices that determine the long-term direction of our lives.
Third, determine if the end goal has changed. Part of what I do with clients is help them to create a vision of the life they want. It’s often one of the first things we do and within the context of resolutions, we determine what they want their life to be like on December 31st of next year. It is so powerful to create a really clear and concrete vision of what we want to create. And it's something that we can remind ourselves of when we feel unmotivated or need to recommit.
It’s okay if our end goal changes at some point or our ideas about the person we want to be, or the life we want to live, have shifted. Particularly if we have gained new information, or if a significant life event has occurred, then it's totally plausible or understandable that our vision for the life that we want would completely change.
If that is the case, it’s going to filter down into the goals and resolutions that we want to work on - since that will ultimately impact where we end up. However, if we still ultimately want the same things, and we intentionally set goals with that in mind, then we probably don't want to quit. We may be suffering from a lack of motivation, or maybe we need to take a pause because of some circumstances in our life, but it does not mean that we should give up on the things that we ultimately want.
Fourth, determine where to focus instead. This involves creating a new vision for what we want to create - in this case, whatever is now in line with the new life that we want. This will help us determine where we’re going to be focusing, now that our focus is no longer on what we had originally thought it would be. And we have the opportunity to determine, once again, what actions, goals, or resolutions we need to set in order to get where we want to go.
The final thing to do once we have determined where we’re going to focus instead is to decide on the next step. This is super important because while it's easy to create a vision for our new life, sometimes it's hard to begin to build momentum again towards that - particularly since it can be hard to get started again or to know what to do.
Once we have decided on our next step, we can more easily let go of the past, make the quitting official, and then begin to move in that new direction - likely using alternative goals and resolutions in order to get there.
These five steps should be followed when considering whether to quit a goal or resolution to ensure that we’re not quitting something just out of annoyance and that ultimately, we are creating the life we want and becoming the person that we most want to be.
Quitting is pretty universally considered negative or something that we shouldn't do - as if it somehow reflects on our character or our ability to carry things out. I understand the logic, but quitting is an important tool. It is something else that we can use in order to help us get where we want to go. Especially if we're heading in the wrong direction.
If we are off course, the best thing that we can do is to course correct. And heading in the right direction doesn't mean anything about us as people - other than that we are people who act in line with their goals and who aren't afraid to stop something that isn't taking them in the direction they want to go.
That is much more likely to increase self-confidence and build self-trust than continuing to head in a direction that we don't want to go. Quitting is powerful and beneficial - and something that we definitely want to have in our arsenal of tools to get where we want to go.
We can’t be afraid to quit if that's what we need to do. And by considering these five things, we can ensure we aren’t quitting to quit, but that we are quitting to go in the direction that we want to go.
Until next time,